What Gaslighting Really Means (and What It Doesn’t)*

The term ‘gaslighting’ seems to have become part of everyday psychological language. As therapists, we often hear it used to describe the behavior and communication of people in relationships. But as its use has increased, its meaning is sometimes lost. This matters because it immediately drops the “gaslighter” into the category of incorrigible villains much like calling someone a narcissist.

The Origin of the Term: Gaslight

The word gaslighting comes from the 1938 stage play Gas Light (and its better-known 1944 film adaptation starring Ingrid Bergman and Charles Boyer).

In the story, a husband deliberately manipulates his wife into doubting her own sanity. One of his tactics is subtle but relentless: he dims the gas-powered lights in their home and, when his wife notices and asks about it, he insists nothing has changed. He moves objects, hides things, and denies actions he has clearly taken—all while presenting himself as calm, rational, and concerned for her “fragile” mental state.

The key point is intentional psychological manipulation. The husband knows the truth. He is not confused, mistaken, or disagreeing in good faith. His goal is to destabilize his wife’s trust in her own perceptions so that she becomes easier to control.

From this story, gaslighting came to describe a very specific form of emotional abuse.

The Accurate Use of “Gaslighting”

Gaslighting is a deliberate, repeated pattern of manipulation in which one person causes another to doubt their own memory, perception, or sanity in order to gain power or control.

Several elements must be present:

1. It is Intentional
   The “gaslighter” knows what they are doing and knows the truth.

2. It is a recurring pattern
   Gaslighting happens over time. A single lie, argument, or denial is not gaslighting.

3. It’s purpose is to undermine someone’s reality
   The victim is led to question their own senses, memories, or judgment—not just a particular fact or instance. It creates a general sense of doubt.

4. It is the misuse of power and control
   The purpose of the manipulation is to dominate, silence, or destabilize the other person.

Without these elements, the behavior may still be somewhere between hapless and appalling—but it is probably not gaslighting.

Examples of True Gaslighting

• Repeatedly denying or being deceptive about events (including conversations) that clearly happened, despite evidence.

• Telling someone they are “imagining things” or “losing their mind” as a strategy

• Moving or hiding objects and then accusing the other person of being forgetful or unstable.

• Rewriting history consistently to erode confidence in one’s own memory.

In each case, the goal is not to resolve a disagreement, but to make the other person distrust themselves.

How the Term Is Commonly Used Incorrectly

As the word has entered everyday language, it’s often used as a synonym for things it is not.

1. Disagreement

“He disagreed with me, so he’s gaslighting me.”

Disagreeing—even strongly—is not gaslighting. Two people can remember the same event differently without either being abusive or “lying”.

2. Lying (Without a Pattern)

“She lied to me—that’s gaslighting.”

Lying is destructive, but that alone does not qualify as gaslighting. Impulsively lying to avoid conflict isn’t but consistently lying about a secret life is gaslighting. Gaslighting requires a sustained campaign to undermine someone’s sense of reality.

3. Being Wrong

“My boss said that never happened, so she’s gaslighting me.”

People misremember, forget, or misunderstand things all the time. Gaslighting requires knowing deception, not simple error or incompetence.

4. Emotional Invalidation

“He dismissed my feelings—he’s gaslighting me.”

Dismissing or minimizing someone’s feelings is damaging, but it does not automatically mean gaslighting unless it is part of a deliberate effort to make the person doubt their own perceptions.

Why the Distinction Matters

Overusing or misusing the term weakens its meaning.

When everything becomes gaslighting, it becomes harder to name and address the real thing—an insidious form of psychological abuse that can leave long-lasting damage. At the same time, labeling ordinary conflict or disagreement as gaslighting can shut down communication and escalate tensions unnecessarily.

Clear language helps us:

• Identify genuine abuse

• Take responsibility for ordinary conflict

• Disagree without pathologizing others

• Support people who are truly being manipulated

A More Careful Way to Speak

Instead of defaulting to “gaslighting,” consider more precise language:

• “That’s not how I remember it.”

• “I feel dismissed.”

• “I think you’re wrong about this.”

• “This pattern makes me feel confused and undermined.”

Precision doesn’t minimize harm—it clarifies it.

In Short

Gaslighting is not just lying, disagreeing, or being insensitive. It is a calculated, sustained effort to make someone doubt their own reality.

Understanding the term’s origin—and using it accurately—helps preserve its power where it matters most.

(*ChatCPT was used significantly in the writing of this post.)