The Surprising Struggle for Forgiveness*
We all get hurt by others at some point. When that happens, it’s natural to hold onto anger or resentment. However, at some point, bitterness only keeps us emotionally stuck to that person. Among it many promises, forgiveness may offer a sense of freedom from the distress of remembering the offense and the periodic ruminating over it.
Some things are easy to forgive but this post is about the times forgiveness is a huge ask. Sometimes the act to be forgiven is monstrous and even evil. What we want is for the offender to get what they deserve! There are a lot of sayings about revenge for a reason.
Forgiveness is Unfair
It is surprisingly hard to forgive. I think one of the problems is that it feels shockingly unfair. For example, if I loan a friend $5,000.00 with the promise it will be paid back. After some time, I might begin to ask about the repayment. Imagine I get some very good excuses and give more time to my friend. However, over time and several requests, I realize that I don’t think I will get paid back. I have an number of options at this point. I can be angry about it and possibly let the friendship gradually fade away. I may redouble my effort to get paid. I could seek compensation in other ways.
I could also forgive the debt.
Here is the rub. If I forgive the debt, I agree to lose $5,000.00. My friend is no longer required to pay it back. In my heart, I accept the money is lost to me. There is the unfairness. My friend gets off the hook and I get ripped off. So why forgive?
Caught Between Love and Forgiveness
One compelling reason to forgive is because it is healing and potentially life changing. If you have felt bitterness, you are aware of the soul twisting feeling that comes with it. A bond is made between you and the offender. It is a loving revenge (can I say that?) to genuinely detach yourself from the offender and to no longer care about what they did. Personally, I have found truly forgiving is like cutting off a ball and chain from your heart. It is profoundly freeing. To my great surprise I also felt myself free of the fear that was attached to the offender. Although, I agreed to carry the loss (material or emotional) I gained far more in freedom. This is hard to image prior to the choice of forgiving.
I find forgiving someone who hurt a person I love to be some of the most challenging. I feel caught between loyalty to the just cause of my loved one and the call to forgive. To quote Miroslav Volf, “I felt caught between two betrayals—the betrayal of the suffering, exploited, and excluded, and the betrayal of the very core of my faith. In a sense even more disturbingly, I felt that my very faith was at odds with itself, divided between . . . the demand to bring justice for the victims and the call to embrace the perpetrator.” [**]
I found the only solution is to hope that God will take up the cause of justice. If I can’t do it, I want God to get them! The idea of a villain getting away with it is outrageous! If I deliver the perpetrator over to God, I must also agree that however God handles it is satisfactory.
Self-Awareness
Yet, at my most honest, I am at least, to some extent, aware of the innumerable times I needed to be forgiven so in the words of the apostle, “Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others.” (letter to the Colossians, Chapter 3) That is the consistent exhortation throughout the New Testament. We have been forgiven so forgive others.
What Forgiveness Is (and Isn’t)
1. Forgiveness is not forgetting.
You may never completely forget what happened, and that’s okay. Forgiveness means you choose not to hold it over someone or use it against them. When we keep bringing up the past to judge or punish, we’re showing that we haven’t really forgiven. There is an idea that when God forgives, the offense is forgotten. That isn’t true, rather it is no longer relevant.
2. Forgiveness is a decision, not a feeling.
You won’t usually feel like forgiving. You forgive because you’ve decided to, not because your emotions are ready. The feelings may follow later, but freedom begins with the choice. This is not a flippant choice, you decide on a deep level and then agree to act according to that choice. Forgiveness isn’t pretending something didn’t happen—it’s choosing to face what happened with total honesty and choosing to forgive it.
3. Forgiveness is for your sake (at least partially).
When you refuse to forgive, you stay tied to the pain and the person who caused it. Forgiving releases you. Forgiving to excuse the other person may or may not be crucial—you forgive so you can heal and move forward. Sometimes you have to ask yourself, “What possible benefit is it to hang on to this?”
4. Forgiveness isn’t the same as reconciliation.
You can forgive someone even if you can’t have a safe or healthy relationship with them. Forgiveness takes one person; reconciliation takes two. Sometimes, boundaries are necessary. Jesus said, ““If another believer sins, rebuke that person; then if there is repentance, forgive. Even if that person wrongs you seven times a day and each time turns again and asks forgiveness, you must forgive.” In this passage, the forgiveness depends on the offenders repentence. Other times, Jesus calls us to forgive no matter what the other person does, but a renewed relationship requires the offender taking responsibility. God does not ask the offended person to simply step back into the line of fire. His command that we forgive one another does not mean that we must set ourselves up for further abuse. He values our lives. In cases where there has been serious breach of trust, the offended person should cautiously consider whether or not the offender is making true life changes, not just verbal apologies. To build trust, one must demonstrate integrity in attitude and action.
5. Forgiveness means accepting the consequences.
When someone hurts you, you still have to live with the impact of that hurt. Forgiveness doesn’t erase the damage—it’s choosing to live free of bitterness instead of being controlled by it. One of the most difficult and supernatural aspects of the death of Jesus is that he accepted the full responsibility for our sins as our substitute. This idea of substitution is crucial. This was the most shockingly unfair act in history. On a fractional level, when we forgive, we agree to bear the cost of the offense whether physical or emotional. In the same way, we ‘substitutionally’ bear the consequence of the offense. In fact, we have already done that. By forgiving you agree to it. You no longer protest the offense, you accept it.
Facing Common Fears
“If I forgive, I’ll get hurt again.”
Forgiving doesn’t mean trusting blindly or ignoring wisdom. You can forgive and still protect yourself. If anything, you will feel less fear toward the offender if you still have some interaction. Your hurt inadvertently ties you to that person. For example, you may keep thinking about them. You will be less ‘hurtable’ as well. In the word of the wise, “Walk with the wise and become wise, for a companion of fools suffers harm.”
“If I let go of my anger, I won’t stand up for myself.”
Anger can motivate you at first, but holding onto it keeps you trapped. You can deal with issues directly without staying bitter. You may be challenged to find your voice and the strength to stand up for yourself or others.
“They don’t deserve forgiveness.”
Maybe not—but forgiveness isn’t about what they deserve. It’s about freeing yourself from the grip of the past. On a few occasions, I was completely unwilling to forgive. What helped me was when the apostle said, “Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay.” I remember looking toward heaven and saying, “Promise!” It wasn’t that the person got off, I was able to transfer the responsibility for justice from me (like I was going to do anything anyway) to God who I can trust to do what is good and right.
How to Forgive from the Heart
Be honest about the hurt.
Don’t minimize or hide it. Acknowledge what happened and how it made you feel—hurt, rejected, betrayed, afraid, ashamed, or angry. Healing begins when you face it. No sugar coating it. You don’t have to be ‘right’ in your complaint. Just state it as it is and how it has impacted you.
Choose to release it.
Decide that you won’t hold the offense against the person anymore. This doesn’t mean pretending it was okay—it means refusing to let it define your heart or future.
Let your emotions catch up later.
Don’t wait until you feel forgiving. Feelings often come after the choice, not before.
Work through each person and memory.
Take time with each person you need to forgive. Be specific about what happened, how it hurt you, and what emotions came with it.
A Simple Way to Pray Through Forgiveness
For Others:
“God, I forgive [name] for [what happened]. It made me feel [describe how you felt]. I release them to You and choose to let go of the pain.”
For Yourself:
“God, I accept Your forgiveness for [specific failures, guilt, or shame]. I choose to stop punishing myself and live in the freedom You offer.”
For God:
“God, I admit I’ve been angry or disappointed about [be specific]. I let go of that anger and trust that Your will for me is still good.”
Forgiveness isn’t easy, but it’s life-giving. You don’t forgive to erase the past—you forgive so that the past stops controlling you. It’s not about forgetting or excusing, but about choosing freedom, peace, and healing for your own heart.
*I am indebted to Neal Anderson and his third “Steps to Freedom” as this was based on that step.
[**] Miroslav Volf, Exclusion and Embrace: A Theological Exploration of Identity, Otherness, and Reconciliation. (Nashville: Abingdon Press, 1996), p. 9.
